Adventures of Infamous Missing Nin
by animedragongirl
Summary: Drabbles about Akatsuki. Nineteenth chapter: What are Deidara and Kisame planning? Why? And does it have to do with Orochimaru or a party? [Warning: Implied yaoi pairings: SasoDei and KisaIta]
1. First Impressions

**Warning: Mild language in later chapters… reason why this is rated 'T' for 'TEEN,' 'kay?**

**Disclaimer: Not mine. Never mine. Wish it mine. But it not.**

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1. First Impressions

**Uchiha Itachi**

From Kisame: "…CREEPY little bugger…"

From Deidara: "I guess there really are vampires…"

From Sasori: "God. Another pretty boy? There ain't room for the two of us!"

From Zetsu: "…he looks frickin TASTEY!"

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**Hoshigaki Kisame**

From Itachi: "…my partner is half a shark."

From Deidara: "I wonder if he makes good shark soup!"

From Sasori: "Just what we need… another freak."

From Zetsu: "FOOD!"

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**Deidara**

From Itachi: "NOOOO! TOO CHEERFUL!"

From Kisame: "Who let THIS idiot in?"

From Sasori: "…I think I miss Orochimaru."

From Zetsu: "…he'd give me indigestion. Better stay away from him."

* * *

**Aka Suna no Sasori**

From Itachi: "I could take him… weak fool…"

From Kisame: "God! He's a frickin PUPPET!"

From Deidara: "HOE! I SHALL CALL YOU MASTER!"

From Zetsu: "…He's not edible! NOOOOO!"

* * *

**Zetsu**

From Itachi: "Great. A cannibalistic half robot, half plant, half human thing. My day is just not getting any better, is it?"

From Kisame: "NOOO! This is EXACTLY like my dream with the giant carnivorous blueberry!"

From Deidara: "Is it real?"

From Sasori: "…"

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A/n- Yeah. Guess I'm starting a collection of drabbles about Akatsuki, and whatever else comes to mind.

(cough) I will be updating this when I have something worth typing out. So… Ja ne!


	2. Hey, Itachi

**Warning: Foul language and speculation of the Uchiha massacre.**

**Disclaimer: Sadly, not mine. (sob)**

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2. Hey, Itachi-san 

"Hey Itachi-san… why exactly did you kill your family again?"

Itachi sighed as he looked up at Kisame over the scroll of fire jutsus he was reading. The shark man had a blank look on his face.

"For revenge," he said simply, and went back to reading.

"Against who?"

"My brother."

"…why did you kill your clan as revenge against _him_?"

Itachi's eye twitched. He hated remembering why he had disliked his little brother so much.

"Because."

"Because why?"

All right. He was pissed now. The anger he had kept suppressed so long was breaking free…

"BECAUSE HE WAS SUCH A LITTLE BRAT!" Itachi roared suddenly, startling the Kiri nukenin. "Always going 'Nii-san this' and 'Nii-san that' and ALWAYS ASKING ME TO TRIAN HIM! I COULDN'T READ A DAMN THING WHENEVER HE WAS AROUND! 'Cause of course, he was too _young_ to be _interested_ in reading! SO HE WOULDN'T FUCKIN LEAVE ME ALONE TO READ IN PEACE! IN FACT, HE _NEVER_ LEFT ME ALONE! HE WAS _ALWAYS_ _THERE- _NO MATTER _WHAT_! I WAS ONLY FREE FROM HIM WHEN I WENT ON ANBU MISSIONS THAT LASTED FOR _WEEKS_!"

Kisame stared. And stared. Itachi ranted on.

"SO, IN BRUTAL RETALIATION THAT CAME AS SWEET REVENGE, I DESTROYED THE THING THAT HE TREASURED THE MOST!_HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! _And then he stopped annoying me."

Itachi coughed politely, and went back to reading his scroll.

* * *

A/n- I always figured this had something to do with it. Sasuke really was an annoying little twerp when he was little, though he was definitely much, much cuter than he is now. 


	3. 50 Ways to Piss Off Itachi

**Warning: Nothing serious. No language.**

**Disclaimer: If it was mine, I'd have someone in the series do all this. Probably Naruto. **

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3. 50 Ways to Piss Off Itachi

A list composed of entirely annoying things that will bring about your permanent incapacitation if you attempt them. Most common side affects are deep comas, psychological damage, and being killed in gruesome, fiery, and/or gory ways.

1. Steal his hairband.

2. Poke him repeatedly.

3. Impersonate his flat, uncaring tone in front of him.

4. Mention Sasuke.

5. Ask him if his mother knows that he's "being a bad boy."

6. Gaze at him, and then slowly look away. Repeat. Make sure he notices what you are doing.

7. Ask him if he likes sweet things. Like yourself.

8. Hit on him.

9. Worship him because you think he is a genius. State this as your reason whenever asked, and walk in front of him loudly intoning that "the great master genius is coming through!" See how many members of Akatsuki attempt to kill either Itachi or you, or both.

10. Let it be known to everyone in Akatsuki that he belongs to you.

11. Shamelessly flirt with him in front of Kisame, so that you know Kisame will torture him about it later.

12. Ask if he's a girl.

13. Ask if he's pretending to be a girl for Halloween, despite the fact that it's not Halloween.

14. Steal his toothbrush, and everyone else's for good measure. Then incriminate him with false evidence.

15. Whenever he's eating dango, steal it and then eat it slowly in front of him, pretending to like it.

16. Follow him around and stare at him like a zombie. See if he cracks and uses Amaterasu(1) on you.

17. While he's sleeping, tape all the fingers of his right hand together.

18. Act like Sasuke while he's around.

19. Call him "Nii-san" whenever you address him.

20. Draw a picture of him hugging Sasuke. Show everyone in Akatsuki. Then have Deidara make a statue of it, and present it as a gift to him.

21. Tell him that dango is the most disgusting food in the world.

22. Talk about him behind his back and see if he sneezes. Make sure he hears you and your intentions.

23. Get Deidara to blow up the door to his room.

24. Have Kisame walk in on him while he's eating shark-fin soup. See if Kisame gets beaten up for a failed attack attempt.

25. Ask him why he murdered his entire clan repeatedly.

26. Tape a sign to his back that says "Whistle if you like my butt." See how many people he ends up killing.

27. Say that he might be a cold-blooded murderer, but you know he really does love Sasuke deep down inside. Then do it in baby talk.

28. Speculate that the only reason he didn't kill Sasuke was because he has a crush on him.

29. Give him a cell phone with the ringtone "Girls." Call him in the middle of a huge meeting when no one's expecting it. See if anyone looks at him strangely. Then see how many people start bobbing their heads to the music.

30. Pay Sasuke to hug him. Make sure he knows you paid Sasuke to hug him.

31. Make a real, working voodoo doll of him. Have him randomly kiss someone, preferably Deidara.

32. See if Sasori attacks Itachi after #31.

33. Make sure you catch the whole thing on tape! Then have a movie night and show it to everyone.

34. Use up all the hot water in his room.

35. Get him drunk, and then have him say that he loves Sasuke. Record it all on tape, and show it to everyone you meet, including Sasuke. See if Sasuke passes out from shock.

36. Drug him, and put him in a dress.

37. Get a picture of him in a dress! Show it to Kisame. See if he gets a nosebleed.

38. Ask him to help you train repeatedly.

39. Go around begging him for "just one more night, please! JUST ONE MORE NIGHT?" See if it annoys Kisame for unexplained reasons.

40. Put sand in all of Sasori's joints and blame it on Itachi.

41. MAKE HIM EAT CHEESE!

42. When he goes into town, put out a rumor that he's single and looking for a partner. Record how many men and women ask for a date. Don't forget how many ended up dead.

43. Ask him if he and Kisame are an "item."

44. Put a camera in his room and take pictures of him without his shirt, pants, or both off. Sell them to Kisame.

45. See if he catches Kisame with the pictures.

46. Make him read ItaSasu fanfics with LEMONS in them!

47. See if he holds a public burning of the computers afterwards. Make sure to see if he uses Amaterasu or Gokakyu(2).

48. Dress up and ask him if you look pretty.

49. Take a video of him in the shower (not in the shower, but behind the frosted glass so you just see his outline) and add a recording of someone singing "I feel pretty." Have another movie night and show it to everyone.

50. Ask him repeatedly who his "special person" is.

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A/n- This really does not need explanation.

(1)**Amaterasu- **"Shining Heaven." What he used to bust out of the jutsu (Kuchiyose: Gamaguchi Shibari) Jiraiya used on him and Kisame when they came after Naruto.

(2)**Gokakyu-** "Katon: Gokakyu no Jutsu"; English translation- Fire Release: Grand Fireball Technique. What Sasuke learned from his father; also, when an Uchiha clan member perfects this technique, they are considered an adult member of the clan.


	4. The Giant

**Disclaimer:** Not mine, unfortunately. If it was, I would charge the anime guys to stick to the canon.

**Warning:** Nothing. Really. Deidara, however, does a rather good impersonation of a brook.

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4. The Giant

"Hey, Kakuzu-san, un!" Deidara yelled.

Kakuzu (1) flinched. He had been trying to sneak away from the peppy blonde. It did not appear to be working.

"Kakuzu-san!" the Iwa nin said as he blew the door open, clearly pleased to have found his colleague. "In the fan mail correspondence I have with all those creepy fans, un, they were talking about you, un. They wanted to know if you really were as big as Kisame, un, or if you were bigger! Isn't that interesting, un? I think…"

Kakuzu groaned as the blonde rambled on and on, babbling like a madman.

"Hey, Kakuzu! Are you…" Hidan (2) trailed off and smirked. "Gomen, was I interrupting something?"

Kakuzu groaned to himself. He was never going to live this down. "No, I was just leaving," he said frantically. He grabbed Hidan's arm and forcefully propelled him out of the room.

Deidara stared at the door. Then he shrugged, made a clay copy of Kakuzu, and continued his babbling.

"Anyway, so I'm thinking, un, where the hell did they find out about you, un? Did you two go out of your way…"

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(1)** Kakuzu**- Also known as "the Giant," as his outline was shown to be the largest Akatsuki member. Not much is known about him, but when he and his partner cornered the Nibi's host, he stayed silent. From Takigakure no Sato.

(2) **Hidan**- Kakuzu's partner. Wields a giant rake-like pole with three swords attached to it on a rope. He mentions that he has the slowest reaction time of any Akatsuki member, which suggests his attacks are based on physical strength. Most likely from a village not yet introduced.

Both are after the Nibi (Two Tails- most likely a nekomata) housed inside a Kumogakure nin. They were also both introduced in chapter 312.


	5. Darts and Ice Cream

**Disclaimer:** I would _like_ to own the series, but I don't. I really don't.

**Warning:** Death of an innocent bystander and a jealous Sasori.

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5. Darts and Ice Cream 

Deidara was happy. He usually was. Anyway, today was no exception and he was positively bursting with cheerfulness.

He and Sasori were walking along a street in a small village that somehow had something to do with their most recent mission the leader had delegated them.

"Konichiwa!" a middle-aged brown haired man said pleasantly to them.

Deidara squealed, and his visible eye curved into a happy arc as he waved furiously, replying happily something along the lines of "Hihihihihihihihihihihihihihihihihihi, un!"

_Fwip._ Thud.

The blonde stopped waving and opened his eyes, wondering what the sound was. He froze and went into instant anime-style depression (1).

Sasori was standing calmly pointing one finger that had its top joint uncapped- it was the finger he used to shoot small brightly colored and poisonous darts with. The man was lying on his back with a small, brightly colored dart between his eyes.

Deidara stood there, shocked for a moment, before turning to Sasori and yelling, "What did you do that for, un?"

Sasori looked slightly guilty as the joint popped back into place and he lowered his arm. "He was, uh… going to attack… you?..."

His partner rose up big and tall, glowering at him angrily while the fires of Hell burned in the background.

Sasori cast about furiously for something to save his life. Deidara probably wouldn't remember the "No killing other members of the organization" rule, which would thus result in the loss of his life.

"Uhh," he said, thinking desperately. His eyes lit on a small, cheerfully multicolored stand. "I'll buy you ice cream!"

Evil I'm-gonna-kill-you!Deidara was instantly replaced with OMG! Really?Deidara. "Really?" Sasori's partner squealed.

"Yeah. Yeah, I'm, er, gonna buy you ice cream!"

Sasori thanked any and all gods that his blonde friend was so easy to divert.

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A/n- Yeah… my friend was looking at a picture I drew of Sasori and Deidara as like, an Akatsuki pair thing, and she's like, "I like how he's waving in this, he'd so do that!" And then this was thought up. 

(1) anime-style depression- usually marked by a lot of blue or grey lines on the person's head, body, etc.


	6. Akatsuki Drinking Game

**Disclaimer:** Not mine. I wish it was, but it isn't. This list, however, is!

**WARNING: DO NOT ATTEMPT WITH LIQUOR UNLESS YOU ARE 21 OR OLDER! Also, Sasori x Deidara hints.**

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6. Akatsuki Drinking Game 

Go into the Naruto world for one ordinary day and get drunk with this great list! (Or on a sugar high if your beverage is non-alcoholic.) Step into the Akatsuki Hideout and use this simple list of guidelines to turn your ordinary day into a **smashing** one!

**Take a sip-**

- Every time Deidara makes a clay bird. Take two if he blows something up.

- Every time Kisame screams bloody murder if someone eats shark-fin soup.

- If Sasori suggests turning someone into a puppet. Chug it if he actually does it.

- If Zetsu eats the mail man.

- If Itachi gets called a woman.

- Every time Tobi asks if he can be in Akatsuki. Gulp it down if the leader says yes!

- Every time you don't see the leader's face. Two sips if you don't see him at all, and two **shots** if you see his face NOT in shadow!

- If Sasori molests Deidara.

- If Itachi goes pyromaniac and burns something up. **Five shots** if he uses Amaterasu!

- Every time someone says he/she'd like to take out Orochimaru.

- Every time Deidara comes up with a crazy scheme and gets Kisame or Zetsu to go along with it.

- Every time someone refers to Kakuzu as "The Giant."

- Every time Hidan gets smartass.

- If Sasori tries to control someone using chakra strings like a puppet. The whole shot if it's Deidara!

- Every time Itachi tries to kill Deidara.

- If you find and steal a Sasuke voodoo doll belonging to Itachi. The shot if he finds out it's gone and goes ballistic.

- Every time the leader sends someone out on a seemingly pointless mission.

- Every time Tobi calls Zetsu "Zetsu-san."

- Every time Deidara adds the suffix "-danna" to someone's name

And for the people who can REALLY hold their liquor, we have **THE CHALLENGE.**

**- EVERY TIME DEIDARA SAYS "UN"!**

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A/n- What can I say? This was fun.

And yes, you can get a sugar high and become semi-drunk. I did it on Thanksgiving after my third bottle of apple cider. Didn't stop me from continuing ;3


	7. The Akatsuki HIDE OUT

**Disclaimer: **Still not mine. If it was, this would happen, and the series would have more Akatsuki stuff in it!

**Warning: **Itachi rants and makes Deidara cry. Poor Deidara (pats Deidara sympathetically as he cries into author's shoulder).

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7. The Akatsuki HIDE-OUT

Deidara was immensely pleased with himself. He had just finished his most recent undertaking, and could not wait to show it off.

* * *

"Come on, un, come on come on come on, un!" the blonde said impatiently, yanking on Kisame and Itachi's robes. Sasori was following close behind, and Zetsu had come because the artistic teen was obviously pleased with something. Kakuzu was being dragged along by Hidan, who had said something about having to "see what your boyfriend's so happy about!" which had become an argument over whether or not Deidara was Kakuzu's boyfriend.

He led them all about a hundred meters outside the entrance, and had them all turn around and view his handiwork.

Two large red neon arrows blinked and flashed, pointing to the plain, black pine door that was their entryway to the caves. Signs just below them that were also neon, but bright, lurid yellow, proclaimed "ENTRANCE TO AKATSUKI HIDEOUT." Everything was flashy and eye-catching.

There was silence. Everyone stared at the sight. Some wondered how much the electricity bill would go up to. Others wondered if Deidara was incredibly stupid.

Apparently, Itachi was one of those who thought Deidara was incredibly stupid.

"Deidara. This is our HIDE-OUT. That means we're supposed to find a nice, secret place and _HIDE._"

Deidara blinked at him. "But now we can see where the door is, un. I have such a hard time finding it, un. I don't know about you, but this'll help me, un!"

Itachi lost it. (If he ever had it…) "You IDIOT!" he yelled, going into chibi mode and waving his arms furiously. "If this is a HIDE-OUT, it's _supposed_ to be hard to find! We're _hiding,_ remember? We don't want people to know we're here! If we can find it easily, what do you think about hunter nins, for example? They should have no problem finding this place! All _this_ will do is put us in a whole lot of unnecessary danger! In fact, if we left it this way, I'm willing to bet we'll all wake up someday with our throats slit and you and this stupid crap to blame!" He finished his rant, gasping for breath and face brilliant red with a multitude of tic marks dancing on him.

Kisame stared at him. "You know, Itachi," he said, sounding strangled, "in all the time I have known you (about six-seven years…) I have never _once_ seen you so animated."

"Shut. Up."

For one long minute, there was silence.

A loud sniff made everyone turn to Deidara. His lower lip was trembling and his eyes were bright with tears. "You're so- you're so _mean_ Itachi-san, un!" he wailed, and started crying little waterfalls. "I just wanted to- to- make it easier to find- for _us,_un!"

And with that, he ran back into their hideout, sobbing wildly.

Sasori gave the fuming chibi Itachi a dirty look and ran inside after Deidara. Zetsu just gave Itachi _that look_. Then he went to sunbathe. Hidan and Kakuzu looked rather shocked. Then Hidan started another argument by scolding Kakuzu and telling him to go after his boyfriend.

"You know, Itachi," reprimanded Kisame. "That was kinda mean. I mean, even _you_ have trouble finding our hideout entrance every once in a while (though it seems to be happening more and more often…). He was just trying to help."

"SHUT. UP." seethed Itachi.

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A/n- Yeah, my friend made this all up… so I wrote down the basic idea (and a little more) and added on some stuff. She completely came up with the "I've never seen you so animated!" thing, so bow to her. BOW!

Make Deidara happy, okay? Review saying you're giving him a hug.


	8. Koi Fish and Cold Fusion

**Disclaimer: **The series is not mine, but Itachi's koi pond and koi fish are!

**Warning:** Character death. Itachi's fish die.

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8. Koi Fish and Cold Fusion 

Kisame like fish. He really did. This was unfortunately an issue when Itachi created a koi pool in his room.

It was a very nice pool dug into the bedrock of the floor. Somehow, Itachi (who normally created cold fusion when he tried to pop a bag of popcorn in the microwave) had managed to rig up a heating system into the rock at the bottom of the pool to keep it at just the right temperature. Reeds grew on the edge that was against the wall, and sparkly patches of various metals (gold, silver, copper, etc.) were bright spots of color at the black rock of the bottom. Five bright orange and black splotched koi swam around in the heated water.

Itachi walked in one day to see Kisame crouching at the edge of his koi pond watching the fish swim around and around.

"Kisame," Itachi said. "What are you doing?"

"…" Kisame wasn't paying any attention to his partner. He seemed almost hypnotized by the swimming fish.

Itachi grew impatient. "Kisame!" he snapped. "What. Are. You. Doing?"

Kisame snapped back into reality. He got up. "Er… nothing, Itachi-san." He walked out of Itachi's room.

Itachi looked from the pond to the door where the sharky nukenin had left through, and shrugged.

* * *

Thereafter, Kisame was very careful to only stare at the fish when Itachi was not there and would not be for a long time, just in case he got hypnotized again. 

However, one day it all became just too much for the poor Kiri nin.

Itachi walked in to see his partner with half of the last koi fish in one hand and the rest of them in the happy blue-skinned missing nin.

"Kisame."

Kisame froze. Itachi was definitely _not_ happy.

"Why. Are. You. Eating. My. Fish?"

"Eheheh… uhh…"

Kisame would never more eat any of Itachi's fish. His life was only saved by the "No killing other members of the organization" policy their leader employed.

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A/n- Yeah. I'm bored. My friend's at volleyball camp for the day, my sister's at the YMCA camp, and my parents are both working.  



	9. Religion and Money Don’t Mix

**Disclaimer: **Don't like religious fanatics. If me were owner, Hidan would not be religious fanatic.

**Warning: **A religious fanatic goes "Buddha will punish you!" on Kakuzu through Deidara. Hints of SasoDei when Sasori gets concerned about his partner.

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9. Religion and Money Don't Mix 

Hidan was what some would call a religious fanatic. Kakuzu was a money-loving atheist.

This was partially the reason they visited a lot of temples. Hidan would go and pray. Kakuzu would go and steal all the priceless religious articles and sell them on e-bay.

They got along well together. Until the day Kakuzu stole Hidan's prayer scrolls.

* * *

"You did WHAT?" shrieked Hidan. 

"I sold them on e-bay," Kakuzu said, not looking up from the engrossing smut novel he was reading. "And then I took the rest to a shrine junk sale."

"NOOO!" wailed Hidan as he tore at his hair. He fell to his knees, sobbing pathetically. "Why?" he pleaded to the ceiling. "Why did he need to sell my prayer books so bad for money?"

The answer came in a certain bouncy blonde who stormed into the kitchen shrieking "DANGO, ITACHI-SAN!"

Kakuzu looked up. "Hi," he said in monotone.

Diverted, Deidara looked at him and grinned whole-heartedly, waved, and said "HI!" back.

Hidan saw all this and took it in the worst possible way.

"YOU!" he roared furiously. "IT'S _YOUR_ FAULT KAKUZU STOLE MY PRAYER SCROLLS AND SOLD THEM ON E-BAY AND AT A SHRINE JUNK SALE! HE WENT AND BOUGHT YOU STUFF 'CAUSE YOU'RE HIS BOYFRIEND!"

Deidara looked confused. "What?"

"DIE!" Hidan howled, and charged at the artist.

"Eep!" yelped the blonde. He turned and ran out, slamming the door behind him and causing Hidan smash into said door. Hidan sort of bounced off, stumbled, regained footing, and chased after his fellow missing nin.

Kakuzu watched him go with mild interest, and went back to reading smut. Until Sasori walked in, that is.

"Have you seen Deidara?" the puppet master asked bluntly.

"Yeah," Kakuzu said. "Hidan thinks that he's the reason I stole his prayer books and sold them on e-bay and at a shrine junk sale. Your boyfriend is currently being chased by a raging religious fanatic."

"What?" Sasori said.

"And it's all because of the fact Hidan thinks Deidara is my boyfriend."

"…WHAT?"

Poor, poor Hidan. Not only did he lose his prayer scrolls that were stolen by his money-loving partner to be sold on e-bay and at a shrine junk sale, he got beat up by a pissed and over-protective boyfriend!

* * *

A/n- Just making fun of the way the two new guys are. Hidan uses all these long and complicated ceremonies for reasons not quite stated yet, and Kakuzu likes money. Hidan is a religious fanatic. Kakuzu likes money. I don't like religious fanatics who drag God or Buddha or Allah into everything they say or do (I mean, look how many wars were started solely because of religion- something like fourteen crusades and the Iraqi war going on now, and don't forget all the terrorists…) because they tend to look at me and go "You should follow so-and-so, because he is all powerful, and blah blah blah." 

Okay… mild rant over.


	10. Defective Reasons

**Disclaimer:** Damn it, _still_ not mine! If it was, Tobi would die. HE WOULD DIE! (Or, if he really is Obito with amnesia, he would STAY DEAD!)

**Warning:** Stupidity and implied Orochimaruisgaydamnit!ness. Have fun and don't lose your innocence too much, kids.

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10. Defective Reasons

Kabuto scanned the sheet of paper he had seen his master scribbling on during the meeting. He had thought it was notes. He should have known better. Really, hadn't he learned a long time ago that Orochimaru-sama never took actual notes, though he often wrote pointless little things or drew stick figures just to look like he was listening?

Reasons why I left that stupid organization:

1) No one could cook worth shit

2) Even less could do the laundry

3) My partner was unmolestable, being a wood/metal/wire construct with the only organic part of him being his heart

4) I got no cell phone reception in the cave I had for a room

5) Itachi blew up my microwave by creating cold fusion

6) That Tobi kid was annoying as hell

7) The pizza guy always got eaten (1)

8) Someone stole all my porn videos specially dedicated to women

9) The leader never showed up physically for meetings, and I was thus always forced to abort my assassination attempts

10) That crazy sea creature wielding a cheese grater completely destroyed my cloak

11) Damnit, when the pizza guy got eaten, so did the pizza!

12) Itachi was too freaky to even attempt molesting

13) Wearing nail polish was freakishly gay, even if I'm not exactly straight

14) People could actually stand up to you

15) The entrance was hard as hell to find

Kabuto sighed. His master really needed to get over his defection and the pizza guys being eaten.

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A/n- Yeah… long time no see, guys. I decided that every crack fic centered on Akatsuki needs to have this.

(1)- This is referring to a one-shot I wrote a while back called "Snakeman and the Elbow." If you read it, you'll see what I mean. And it's funny :D

Note: Chapter name is a play on the words "defect" and "reasons." Originally the name was going to be "Reasons for Defection," but I thought "Defective Reasons" fit the genre better.


	11. A Disgrace to the Clan

**Disclaimer:** Not mine. If this mine, Tobi would equal six feet below. And I would laugh. Horribly.

**Warning:** Intense stupidity, and blatant bribing. And… that's about it. Oh, mild swearing, but you should know that by now.

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11. A Disgrace to the Clan

"Shush, he's around here somewhere!" someone hissed three trees to the left and four to the rear of his position. Itachi casually slid a kunai knife into his hand. You could never tell if it was missing nin hunters, or not. Though the voice sounded incredibly familiar.

"Are you sure?" a new voice said, sounding doubtful. "How do you even know where their hideout is?"

"Kami, do you always have to doubt me?" the first voice demanded. The people were in the second tree to the left, right behind him. "I told you, that sharky dude had the address scribbled on his sword sheath. Kinda stupid if you ask me."

"How'd you-" the second voice started, but broke off when the two people landed on Itachi's branch. One was the Kyuubi brat, and the other was some weird pink-haired girl.

The blonde boy didn't look surprised to see Itachi sitting on a tree branch reading a book with a kunai in hand. It was almost as if he expected it. Though now that Itachi thought about it, he should probably attack to throw this guy in the sealing chamber so the group could get the Kyuubi.

"Hey, Uchiha dude," the brat said, pointing to him. The pink-haired girl hit him.

"Naruto, be polite!" she yelled at him.

"Aww, Sakura-chan, what'd you do that for?" Naruto whined, rubbing his head.

"Shut up and ask!"

"Oh, er… right. Gomen." He turned back to Itachi. "Er, Uchiha-san, we wanted to ask a favor of you."

"…a _what_?" Itachi was shocked, to say the least.

"A favor. Y'know… you do something for us and we do something for you in the future?"

"I know what a favor is. Why do you need to ask me for one?"

"Because you're the only one who can do it!" Sakura exclaimed. "You are the Uchiha Itachi who slaughtered the Uchiha clan in something like six hours, right?"

Itachi blinked. What had that to do with anything? Did they want him to go kill someone? "Hai."

"Great," Naruto said, unperturbed. "Can you call up your little brother on the phone? This is the number-" he waved a scrap of paper around "-and then tell him he's a disgrace to the clan for going to Orochimaru and Oto?"

Itachi was confused. "Why would I do that?"

"Well…" Naruto rubbed the back of his head. "You know, one, it'll be fun to call up your annoying little brother and pretty much crush his dreams with it, not to mention pissing him off, and two, it just might get him to leave snake-bastard."

Itachi considered it. When you put it this way, it really did sound like fun. "Okay. And what do I get in return?"

The two leaf nin looked at each other, and then back at him. "We'll supply you with free dango for a year."

DANGO! DANGODANGODANGODANGODANGO! Itachi's mind was screaming. He almost drooled.

"Done," he said dreamily, thinking about the delicious sweets and actually starting to drool, grinning happily.

"Right. We'll… keep in touch…"

Itachi didn't even register them beating a hasty retreat from the grinning and drooling happy homicidal/psycho teen.

* * *

_Ring. Ring_. Sasuke was in the middle of training with Kabuto when his brand new cell phone rang. 

Kabuto froze as Sasuke pulled it out of his pocket and flipped it open. "Hello?" he said, mind racing. He hadn't given his new number to anyone yet, so far as he could remember. Maybe he shouldn't have gone to that party a few days ago.

"Ah, Sasuke," he heard. He gasped. His brother's voice was definitely coming out of the little speakers.

Wait… had Itachi been at that party?

His brother's voice continued. "It has come to my attention that you went and joined Orochimaru. I am afraid to say that, as the oldest and thus far more wiser representative, you have thoroughly disgraced the Uchiha clan."

"WHAT THE _HELL_?" Sasuke screeched into the phone as his brother hung up.

* * *

A/n- Yeah, I couldn't get that whole have-Itachi-call-Sasuke-up idea out of my head. :P I had too much fun with this. 


	12. Naruto

**Disclaimer:** Seriously. I own a lot of stuff, but Naruto is not something that I do own.

**Warning:** Insane stupidity on the author and Kisame's part. Be warned.

* * *

12. Naruto

"And so now-"

"Hang on," Kisame interrupted the leader guy. "I want to start a debate here."

The leader blinked at him.

"…what?"

"You're about to end the meeting, right?" Kisame asked reasonably. "I want to start a debate here."

The assembled members of Akatsuki all blinked in unison.

"Okay," the leader said after a pause. "About what?"

"How d'you think the Kyuubi brat got named _Naruto _(1) of all things?" Kisame asked.

Utter silence.

"…someone liked steamed fish-paste cakes a lot?" Deidara ventured.

"Who _likes_ naruto, though?" Sasori asked annoyed.

"Hey," Kisame said defensively. "I do."

"You're half shark," Hidan pointed out.

"I say whoever was forced to care for him after the Yondaime died hated him, and hated naruto as well, so he named the kid Naruto," Itachi reasoned.

"I suppose that makes sense," Zetsu said after a pause.

"Yeah," muttered a couple of people.

"Okay," Kisame told the leader. "Debate over."

The leader blinked again.

"…right. Meeting adjourned."

* * *

A/n- I thought this up last night. Because I had nothing to do. Actually, I reasoned out Itachi's part a couple of months ago and explained it all to my mom, who had absolutely no idea who I was talking about.

(1) naruto- fish-paste cakes that are sliced and placed on top of soups

So… yeah. I think I'll go find food now.


	13. Puppets

**Disclaimer:** Hmm… I wish I owned an Akatsuki cloak, but I don't.

**Warning:** Rather stupid, Gaara OC… the usual.

* * *

13. Puppets

Sasori was playing with puppets, as usual. He was making them jump around the table he and Deidara were sitting at, because he had nothing better to do. It's not like _he_ had to eat anything, right?

"Sasori-danna…" Deidara said, looking oddly at the puppets as they twirled around his feet. "Un… why are you playing with your puppets, un?"

"Because I have nothing better to do," the red-head replied as one of the puppets who had a rather crude likeness to Kakuzu jumped off the table and smashed on the floor. Sasori watched it and grinned evilly.

"Hey! See? You call them _dolls_, but they're puppets! And I'm not the only one who uses them!" someone frantically shouted behind them. The two nukenin turned to see, and saw a tall boy with a dog-ear hat and kabuki paint on his face pointing towards Sasori.

The blonde lady with four pigtails next to him said impatiently, "I didn't _say_-"

"Haha, Kankuro," sniggered a short boy with hair as red as the Suna nukenin's. "It appears there's another guy who plays with dolls! Go talk to him and exchange doll-town news, or something." And he started laughing again.

The blonde girl looked disgusted. Kankuro looked depressed. Sasori had a tic mark, which is technically impossible because he is a puppet, but he still looked mad as hell. He twitched a finger in the group's direction, and the red-headed boy was hoisted up by his ankle and thrown across the courtyard.

Sasori stood up. "Come on Deidara," he said to his partner, who was still stuffing his face with dango. The blonde grabbed the rest and dumped it into a bag that he could reach easily while walking, and the two headed for the only convenient exit, which was behind the blonde girl and the dog-ear hat boy.

When the passed Kankuro, Sasori stopped for a moment and twiddled the fingers of one hand in the direction of the thing wrapped in bandages. Two puppets revealed themselves, and he had them stand side by side as he looked them over.

"Kurasu and Kuroari," he told the blonde nukenin, pointing to them. "Not my greatest ones, but they're better than some."

"Like the mini ones you were playing with?" Deidara asked.

"Yep."

"Okay." The blonde looked at the other puppeteer, who looked shocked and rather annoyed.

"You didn't make them," he said to Sasori. "Aka Suna no Sasori did. Except he's a missing nin, so no one knows where he is."

The red-head stared at him. This kid was kinda dense.

"I _am_ Aka Suna no Sasori," he said bluntly. He fished out his bingo book for keeping track of which ninja are against them and which don't care. He showed the boy a picture of himself, and Kankuro gasped and got into defense position. The girl with blonde pigtails whipped out a huge fan.

Stowing the book away, he turned and started walking out, his partner following and munching on dango like there was no tomorrow.

* * *

A/n- Hasn't anyone wondered why Kankuro's accused of playing with dolls and Sasori, well… isn't? 


	14. iPods

**Disclaimer:** Seriously. I mean it. Not mine. And I do know a little of the law, so you can't sue me now that I've put this up here.

**Warning:** Randomness O.o

* * *

14. iPods 

"Er… Itachi-san, what is that?" Kisame asked confused.

Itachi ignored him. Or maybe those little white things in his ears kept him from hearing anything. Whatever it was.

So Kisame tapped him on the shoulder, and promptly had to jump back and duck as the Uchiha spun around and loosed several shuriken at him.

Seeing it was his partner, the black-haired nin blinked, looked a little confused, and went back to sharpening a kunai. Why he hadn't thrown this at Kisame when the Kiri nin had first startled him, he had no idea, but it really didn't matter.

Figuring it was something to do with the little white things, Kisame yanked one out of his partner's ears. Itachi turned around again, looking rather annoyed at the sight of the shark man carefully examining the tiny ear bud earphone as faint music came from it.

"Itachi-san, what are these?" Kisame asked pointedly, pointing to the earphone in his hand.

"…it's an iPod."

The Kiri nin considered this. "A _what_?"

The Uchiha sighed, and fished something out of his pocket. A small black thing with a screen and a circle thingy was in his hand. He showed it to the nukenin.

"What does it do?"

"Plays music. And videos. And can store photos."

"Oh."

The next day, Kisame went into town. He came back with a small black thing with a screen and a circle thingy.

* * *

A/n- It was all influenced by this video- go to http: (doubleslash) www (dot) youtube (dot) com (slash) watch?v (equals) 5uQzU-o3Kg to watch :P

I love my iPod!


	15. Dreams Suck

**Disclaimer:** Not mine. Really. But I own all my fanfiction, and several books, and my iPod… and more books, and some art supplies, and my school stuff.

**Warning:** Randomness. O.o Stupidity. The Uchiha brothers crossdress. Ha.

* * *

15. Dreams Suck

Why was he sitting at a bench? Why was he tied to aforementioned bench? How did he get here? And wait… what was Itachi doing in a school girl uniform? The last thing almost brought on an explosive nosebleed, but Orochimaru managed to keep it in. Who knew Jiraiya had rubbed off on him so much?

Someone banged something that looked suspiciously like a gavel. Orochimaru looked up to see a very pissed looking pizza guy who'd brought him his pizza yesterday (1) sitting up at a judge's podium.

"Order. Order in the damn courtroom!" he yelled. "The trial of the sadistic perverted gay pedophile by the name of Orochimaru, one of the three great sennin of Konoha, is beginning. Now shut the hell up!"

Complete and utter silence fell.

"Now," said the pizza guy a bit more patiently. "We have testimony from our first witness. Uchiha Itachi, please come to the stand!"

Said Uchiha walked up to the stand. For some reason he was in a skimpy schoolgirl's uniform that only enhanced his already feminine look. He raised his right hand.

"Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?" the bailiff, who was that Kyuubi brat under Jiraiya's tutelage, said sternly.

"I do," Itachi said calmly. He sat down.

"Uchiha-san, is it true that Orochimaru-san is a sadistic perverted gay pedophile?" the judge demanded.

"Eh?" Orochimaru said, startled. What the hell?

"SILENCE!" the judge roared.

"It is true," Itachi said soulfully, looking mournful. "He was always flirting with me. It was so awful!" At this he burst into incredibly uncharacteristic tears, which jetted out of his eyes in sprinkler-like waterfalls.

"There there," said the pizza guy kindly. He looked briefly at the desk on his podium. "Next!"

"Hey!" yelled Orochimaru, rather annoyed. "Aren't I allowed to give some defense here?"

"No!" snapped the judge, looking up. "Next! Uchiha Sasuke!"

Sasuke walked up as Itachi was led away sobbing by a comforting Kisame. The Uchiha brothers appeared to be showing a lack of fashion sense; Sasuke was dressed in a ballerina tutu, and his hair was brushed down to chin-length. He walked like a dancer, with toes turned out. He drawled out "I do" in response to Naruto's question, who didn't seem to find his outfit strange at all, and plopped down on his seat gracelessly.

Wait a minute… why wasn't he trying to kill his brother? Or Naruto? Or… anyone? Man… Sasuke had been screwed over by something.

"The same question as your brother over there."

"Hn."

"…that's a yes?"

"He has told me several times he wants my body. Then he pinches my butt," Sasuke informed the judge.

Orochimaru sputtered. "B- but he-"

"Right," the judge said grimly. "Well, it appears our trial is concluded. Orochimaru! I sentence you to three years of scrubbing Zetsu's feet. Bring in the punishment!"

He slammed his gavel into the gavel plate, and loud voices started to rise all over the room. He was picked up, slung over some black-hooded peoples' shoulders, and they traveled down seemingly-endless corridors that led them to a room where Zetsu was sitting with bare feet, and then he was thrown down and…

"Orochimaru-sama!"

Splash. He flailed around, shouting "No! NOT HIS FEET, DAMNIT!"

"Er… Orochimaru-sama?" Kabuto said blankly beside him.

The snake sennin sat up dazedly. "Eh? What?"

"Er… you were having a bad dream," the medic nin said awkwardly.

"Oh." Orochimaru considered this for a moment, ignoring the now wet and cold sheets he was sitting in. "Um… you are never to talk to anyone about this. If you do, I will rip you to shreds and feed you to Zetsu's feet."

"…"

"What?"

"Nevermind…"

* * *

A/n- This randomly came to me as I was about to start working on finishing Gang Wars chapter seven… which I will begin as soon as I post this. I will!

(1) Refer to **Snakeman and the Elbow** as well as **Pizza Guy and the Snake** if you want to know. :P


	16. Chatrooms

**Disclaimer:** Not mine... not at all.

**Warning:** Fangirlish abuse of Deidara-chan.

* * *

16. Chatrooms

ItachiisMINEdamnit!- OMFG! you'll never guess who i saw in town today!

Deidarasdaydream- what?

ItachiisMINEdamnit!- ITACHI!!!!

Deidarasdaydream- so?

Deidarasdaydream- i have deidara tied to a chair next to me right here

ItachiisMINEdamnit!- but this is ITACHI!

ItachiisMINEdamnit!- wait, what?

Deidarasdaydream- deidara is sitting next to me. hes so kawaii!

ItachiisMINEdamnit!- lol

Deidarasdaydream- i know! its kinda cool

Deidarasdaydream- except he kept yelling for this sasori-danna dude, so i gagged him. he started crying

ItachiisMINEdamnit!- that sounds mean :(

Deidarasdaydream- whatever

ItachiisMINEdamnit!- how'd you get him ther?

Deidarasdaydream- he was walking by and i pulled out my fangirl travel kit with the chloroform bottle

ItachiisMINEdamnit!- oh

ItachiisMINEdamnit!- makes sense

ItachiisMINEdamnit!- wanna help me do that to itachi?

Deidarasdaydream- sure

Deidarasdaydream- now?

ItachiisMINEdamnit!- yeah

Deidarasdaydream- ok. meet you outside the mall

* * *

A/n- A plan is hatched… 


	17. The Plot Thickens

**Disclaimer: **Not mine, but I do have a boyfriend, and if you make me cry, he shall kick thy butt!

**Warning:** Abuse of trees. One in particular. And Kisame cheats at poker.

* * *

17. The Plot Thickens

Itachi and Kisame were playing poker when Sasori slammed the door open.

"Have you seen Deidara?" the Suna nukenin demanded.

Itachi kept his eyes on his partner's hand. He was certain the shark nin was cheating, but he hadn't figured out how, yet.

"No," Kisame said, and tossed down two cards.

Sasori swore, and slammed the door shut.

"What d'you think that was about?" Kisame asked the Konoha nin.

"…"

Kisame looked at the cards he had been dealt. "Royal flush," he said, and slapped the cards on the table.

* * *

Sasori stalked the hideout for the next half an hour, searching everywhere for his blonde lover. He couldn't find anything that suggested the merest hint of him.

He decided that the blonde had stayed in town for some reason or other, since he had not come back and was over five hours late from his supposed return date. Thus, he headed off to town.

* * *

"Are you sure this is the way? It's in the middle of nowhere, I can't tell if anyone… what do you mean, shut up? You shut up! You got us lost! We're in the middle of nowhere, and you don't have any idea where that stupid headquarters thing is-"

"Will you just shut up?" the girl demanded irritably. "I interrogated Deidara, and after a few hours of dango torture he broke and told me where it was."

"But how do you KNOW?" the other girl said shrilly. "For all I know, we're heading off over a cliff, and then I'll never see my darling Itachi!"

The first girl, by the name of Abby, started banging her head against a nearby tree.

"Uh… Abby… you don't have to do that… you might forget where we are!"

"Exactly!"

"…"

Sasori, making his way towards town, heard a sort of dull thudding noise, and went to investigate. He found, to his surprise, two girls, one smashing her head into a tree, and the other looking worried. He walked along the tree branch to observe them silently.

"Abby? ABBY! Damnit, stop! Or I'll never find my Itachi!" wailed the girl who was not smashing her head into a tree.

"I- Know!" Abby grunted.

The other girl pouted. "Fine then," she whined. "I'll just take Deidara-chan and throw him over a cliff, because you left him! AND I'LL MAKE SURE HE KNOWS IT!"

Wait. Deidara! OMG, DEIDARA!

Whump. Thwack.

"Where is he?" snarled the red-head into the whiney girl's face.

She promptly screamed, blowing out one pf his eardrums and splintering the other.

"ABBY! HELP! MURDER! HE'S KILLING ME! AHHHHHHHH!"

The girl named Abby stopped smashing her head into the tree, which was now looking the worse for the experience, and watched this with interest.

"You can go ahead and do it," she told Sasori. "She's very annoying."

"You're- the one- with Deidara!" the girl gasped around Sasori's hand clamped on her neck. "And he's in her room! AGH!"

The puppeteer dropped her and started for the other girl, but she quickly snatched her friend's hand and using secret ninja techniques that clearly weren't secret anymore, dashed off into the forest, heading for the hideout.

Sasori gave them one long glance, and headed for the town. At least now he had a definite location.

* * *

A/n- What will happen? Will Abby crack under the pressure of The Whiney Girl? WILL SASORI AND DEIDARA EVER BE REUNITED?!

Oh. And happy Thanksgiving to the folks who live in the US of A!


	18. Eat Tobi, Zombies!

**Disclaimer:** Nope. Not mine. Not at all. BUT I LIKE LORD OF THE RINGS!

**Warning:** Deidara is sad… Itachi gets drugged… and zombies attack Tobi.

* * *

18. Eat Tobi, Zombies!

Deidara was absolutely miserable. His whole day had been an utter disaster, starting with this morning. He had just been happily taking the scenic route to the mall (okay… so maybe he actually got lost), when this girl randomly comes up to him! Well, that wasn't the bad part, but then she DRUGGED HIM! And THAT was the bad part. Sort of. Because when he'd woken up, he was tied to this chair in a closet. He started yelling (he didn't like the dark very much, which was why his and Sasori's room always had a light on 24/7), and then the girl had opened the door and gagged him! Of all things! He was only yelling at his medium-level loudness, too…

And THEN, after THAT, she started interrogating him! With the dreaded DANGO TORTURE. And he had to endure five hours of that…. Before he finally cracked and told them the location of the hideout.

So now he was sitting here, tied to this chair in the DARK, and he missed Sasori, and he was tired, and he wanted dango, and he was also dehydrated from crying so much.

The door to the room opened. Whoever it was opened the door to the closet and…

* * *

POOF. Two girls randomly popped into existence next to the table where Kisame and Itachi were playing poker. 

One of them began screaming upon sight of the Konoha nukenin. "OMG! ITACHI! I LOVE YOU ITACHI! OMG!" And then she latched on to him like a leech as she continued to scream shrilly with joy.

Now, you have to understand that Itachi was still very annoyed that he hadn't figured out how Kisame was cheating yet. And having a random girl jump onto you and start screaming loud enough to wake the dead (which he had just killed recently and given to Sasori for more puppets) is not high on Itachi's Fun Things To Do list. And he'd never had any patience for anything really, either.

So it was of no surprise to Kisame when his partner promptly blew his top and threw the girl into the wall, just as the first zombies started moaning and groaning and walking around three doors down in Sasori's workshop.

The other girl cheered at the sight of The Screaming Girl (previously known as The Whiney Girl) impacting the wall; The Screaming Girl promptly screamed all the louder. She also got up looking rather angry. She whipped out a white rag and made for Itachi with rather surprising speed.

And then the first of the zombies came in through the door, drawn to the room by Abby's joyful cheers and the screams of anger from The Screaming Girl. They started blindly groping around as The Screaming Girl clamped the rag over Itachi's nose and mouth.

* * *

The sudden light blinded the Iwa nukenin tied to the chair in the previously-dark closet. LIGHT! he screamed in his head. LIGHTLIGHTLIGHT! SASORI! SASORI!

"Oh my goodness, now why does Abby have you locked in her closet?" said a woman's voice, just as the window behind her shattered as Sasori made his un-ninja-like appearance to the scene.

"Deidara!" he yelled.

"MPHMUMPHMUMPH!

* * *

Kisame watched in slow motion as Itachi's eyes rolled up and he slumped to the floor. He whipped out Sameheda, beheaded the nearest zombie, and charged. He kicked The Screaming Girl out of the way, scooped up the Uchiha prodigy, and headed out the door, daring the other girl to interrupt him. 

She didn't; Abby was too busy whacking the steady flow of zombies with a briefcase she had pulled out of nowhere to care. Not that she did in the first place- she only went along because it was something to do.

"See yah," she panted to Kisame, whacking the zombies out of her path as she reached The Screaming Girl and used the not-secret-anymore ninja techniques to poof out of the room.

Kisame didn't have time to wonder about it; he promptly headed for the outside, where he could climb some trees and get away from the crazy zombies. Not to mention that they might take out Tobi along the way…

* * *

Sasori and Deidara returned to the hideout finding it in complete disarray. Zombies were milling around everywhere, both inside and out. 

Up one tree was Kisame and Itachi, who looked distinctly groggy. It was obvious that he wasn't in his normal mood, because he was calmly leaning against the larger nin without qualm as the pair came up.

Sasori took one long look at the disturbance in the area, and blankly asked, "What happened?"

"Well," Kisame began, looking at the zombies. "We were playing poker and these two girls randomly popped into existence next to the table. One of them jumped on Itachi and started screaming really loudly, and then he threw her into the wall. All of a sudden there was a bunch of zombies busting into the hallways and stuff, and then the girl Itachi threw into the wall got up and charged him… covered his face with a rag or something, and then he passed out. The two girls disappeared and I got out of there."

"Ah…" Sasori said. "And you're not taking out the zombies because?..."

"They might kill Tobi," Kisame grunted, and shifted into a more comfortable position.

"That makes sense," said Sasori. He sat down next to the Kiri nin, Deidara close next to him.

* * *

A/n- Yes, I know… long time no see… well anyway, Merry Christmas, Happy Chanukah, Good Kwanza, etc. etc. Also, if you like Naruto crack, I sincerely suggest that you go read** Itachi the Red-Eyed Ninja **by Saiko Kaiya. It is VERY funny! 


	19. Why Itachi's Hair is Always Long

**Disclaimer: **Not mine. Never mine. But story ideas are mine :D

**Warning:** Randomness. Lateness. And, as always, stupidity. And implied sex (if you can catch it!)

* * *

19. Why Itachi's Hair is Always Long

Itachi's day was admittedly turning out to be very strange. Wherever he went, Kisame and Deidara seemed to pop up out of nowhere, and they all stared at him intently. Whenever he looked at them directly, though, they all pretended to be looking anywhere _but_ him.

He was certain that they were either planning to kidnap and sell him to Orochimaru, or they were going to try to throw him a surprise party, even though his birthday was six months ago.

He glared at Kisame, who hastily looked away. Deidara began to giggle uncontrollably. Kisame kicked him and he shut up.

Itachi stalked off to the training grounds to practice his katas and blow up a few trees.

* * *

Two days later, and they were _still_ watching his every movement. The Konoha nin was really starting to get pissed, and ended up trying to interrogate Kisame after their recreational sporting. The shark nin instantly shut up and wouldn't say a word about anything, even when Itachi tried to hypnotize him.

The next day Sasori sidled up to him looking rather nervous (that is, as nervous as a puppet can look). "They're coming after you tonight," the red-head muttered, and scuttled away.

Of course, this just confused Itachi even further. Genius or not, he had no idea what was going on.

Nevertheless, he got into his bed that night with two axes between his legs, senbon needles glued to the roof of his mouth, kunai under the mattress, and shuriken under his pillow. And a cudgel that doubled as a bedside table leg.

The next thing he knew, everything was upside down and he couldn't move at all. In fact, he was getting very sleepy…

* * *

When he woke up, he was in his own bed, weapons still in place. For a minute he thought that nothing had happened.

And then he looked in the mirror.

And became even more pissed.

* * *

Deidara and Kisame's jaws dropped when Itachi walked into the kitchen/dining area. The Konoha nin headed straight for them, and, with the familiar swirly-red-eyes trick, sent them all to Tsukinomi hell.

"And _that_-" Itachi said icily a few seconds later, "is for shaving off all my hair."

"But how'd you grow it back?" Deidara asked weakly.

"That? I developed a jutsu specifically for the task after it kept getting cut off during my anbu missions."

"…"

* * *

A/n- Yes, this is late… Yes, it is short. I haven't been writing for a long time… because… school is hard. There. Ha! And it's over in three weeks! 


End file.
